You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
