explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
