We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
i came on her dog
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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