apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
