the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Randomize
