I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
