don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I wear drunk well.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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