all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
