I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
