I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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