This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Randomize
