I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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