It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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