Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
