Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
