She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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