I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
