U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
My nipple is on Facebook.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
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