I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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