Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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