he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
