That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
