Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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