I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
