WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
