WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Randomize
