So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
