hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
