i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
