So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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