if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
