I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
