feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
