But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
