Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
