You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Randomize
