What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
