I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Randomize
