Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Randomize
