Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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