just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
