Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
