Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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