this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Randomize
