You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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