it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize