Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
