I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I think I died a long time ago.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
