I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Randomize
