Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
