Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Randomize
