using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Randomize
