I can text with my tongue
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
