I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize