Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
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