Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
