Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
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