I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Randomize
