Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
